Maintenance Matters
by Ben G. Hubert, LPC-S, Certified Couples Therapist, Gottman Institute

I’ll be honest — maintenance isn’t fun. It’s time-consuming, costs money, and usually gets in the way of what I’d rather be doing.  I’d much rather be fishing than cleaning, greasing, and re-lining my reels.  But skip the upkeep (especially with saltwater), and they break down — leading to repairs or replacements that are far more expensive and usually completely avoidable.

Same with our vehicles.  Oil changes, filters, belts, hoses, tire rotations… none of that tops my Saturday morning wish list.  But neither does changing a tire in 105° August heat.  Suddenly, that air-conditioned maintenance visit sounds like a great decision.  These aren’t things we always look forward to, but they’re essential.  They catch problems early, prevent bigger issues, and give us peace of mind.  Homes, equipment, finances — neglect leads to predictable and costly outcomes. 

And here’s the real point:  The same is true for our physical, mental, and relational health.

We talk a lot about physical and mental health — and for good reason.  Maintenance is built into how we care for our bodies and minds, e.g., annual physicals, routine lab work, healthy eating, regular exercise and adequate rest.  Our mental health is maintained by regular self-reflection and emotional check-ins, talking with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor, setting boundaries with work, technology, and commitment, practicing stress-reduction skills (breathing, mindfulness, prayer, meditation), practicing gratitude — intentionally noticing and expressing appreciation and engaging in meaningful activities and hobbies. 

These aren’t quick fixes — they’re maintenance practices that support both body and mind over the long haul.

But what about our relational health and maintenance?

Research overwhelmingly concludes that relational health is a vital part of physical and mental health. Yet, relational maintenance is seldom part of our healthy habits and intentional efforts.

Here’s a news flash: Living with someone in a committed, long-term relationship is hard work. In fact, it may be one of the hardest things we do.

You tell me — which is easier?

Exercising 3–4 times a week…
or navigating the frustration and exhaustion of having the same conversations that go nowhere — leaving hurt feelings and a sense of being unheard and unimportant?

You tell me — which is easier?

Changing the heating and cooling air filter…
or trying to reconnect after days of emotional distance and unresolved tension?

You tell me — which is easier?

Scheduling routine checkups…
or addressing resentment before it quietly erodes trust and goodwill?

The truth is, relational health doesn’t maintain itself.  It requires intention, humility, repair, and consistent daily care.

You tell me—which is easier?

Repairing a broken window or

broken trust?

So here’s the invitation:
Add your relationship to your maintenance list — and make it a priority.  Most relational breakdowns aren’t sudden — they’re the result of deferred maintenance: missed check-ins, unspoken hurts, appreciation left unsaid, repairs postponed.

As a couples therapist, I encourage you to regularly maintain your relationship, not just respond when something breaks. Healthy relationships are built through ongoing attention, not crisis management.

The good news? You don’t have to figure it out alone.

Books, videos, and podcasts can offer insight and tools.  Classes, retreats, and seminars can help rekindle, repair, and replenish connection.  Couples and family therapists provide guidance that goes deeper than self-help resources alone. 

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness or failure.  In many cases, not asking for help is what leads to failure.  Strong relationships aren’t the ones that never struggle —
they’re the ones that choose maintenance, repair, and growth along the way.

Final thought:
Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Small cracks become fractures.
Distance becomes disconnection.
Silence becomes loneliness.

Maintenance is always easier than repair.
Repair is always easier than rebuilding.
Rebuilding is hardest when one person has already given up.

Your relationship is worth the upkeep.